February Sucks

February sucks. At face value, there’s nothing good about this month. For those of us in school, the new semester excitement is over. In February you hit weeks 4,5, and 6 of the semester and you have that terrible realization that you’re in this for the long haul. Yes, the deeper into February you get, the closer to Spring Break you are, but that’s not even in February––it’s in March!

As far as holidays go there’s Valentine’s Day (I mean unless you’re not single. I’m sure it’s nice. But you still feel pressure, right?) and what, like Groundhog Day and President’s day. Okay, great.

I truly believe that life is exciting and beautiful––mostly because of Jesus, but also because I think a lot of things and people are really cool. I have a harder time believing life is great and God is good in the most mundane days, though. And things get ugly when there’s a lot of mundane days back to back. Like February.

Ever since middle school February has notoriously been a month for me where anxiety, eating disorder symptoms, apathy, and hopelessness rage.

And if not, I still find myself daydreaming about better times, future times––like the coming summer, European vacations, restaurants I want to eat at in cities I don’t live, my future life as a cool, successful 20-something lass with a kick-butt job, cool apartment, and a nice lad to buy me dinner at those restaurants.

Hmm.

February came three weeks ago. And to be honest, I was scared to death of it. Usually, I know what’s coming and get mad about it, and then I decide I’m going to beat February at its own game and show it who’s boss. Turns out it’s not so simple.

I try to trick myself into thinking that going to class, doing laundry, or skimming a textbook is SUPER exciting and life-giving. Never works.

In high school I would pack my schedule with a musical, a sport, ramping up my social life, or anything really. But this just made the routine and menial things seem even more worthless and even harder to get through––because I was tired.

Year after year, what I try to do in February is find a reason to live.

I know this about myself and it has always minorly scared me me, but this year it’s started to deeply bother me. So today I found myself praying, What is it about this month that makes me want to seek out some other tangible hope besides you, Jesus?

Take the life-changing adventures of summer, the fresh busyness of Fall semester, and the holiday activities from the previous months out of the way, and I’m confronted with the fact that God has asked me to actually believe He is good enough. And I’m confronted with the fact that I might not actually believe that.

I can’t ignore my need for need for Jesus in February. And he won’t let me ignore the fact that I have the Father’s love and faithfulness to keep forever (Ephesians 1: SOHGOOD), even though I have no reason to believe I could possibly be worth loving.

In Philippians 3 Paul talks about putting no “confidence in the flesh," even when we think we might have reason to.

When life is dull, hard, and lacking in cool things to accomplish (I'm looking at you February), I more easily see that I, in fact, have no reason to put any hope in myself.

February is a gift.

This year, actually, I’ve found the most joy in slowing down. This is exactly the opposite of any sane human’s natural inclination at this point in the semester, but I feel an urgency to seek Jesus and remain in him.

I’m posting this probably as accountability to spend that time in prayer. And YOU, kind soul who actually read this to the end, I would love to know how I can be praying for you. So please don’t even think about hesitating to message me about that. I would love it more than anything.

That’s it. Peace out. God loves you.