Manipulation 101: Or what NOT to do

2015 seems to have been the year of revelations. It was the year I realized loose-leaf tea is an incredible investment. It was the year I realized I will never be able to wear a flannel and think I look cool. And it was also the year I realized I enjoy manipulating my life.

You see, I like to be in control. I like to plan out my future, whether that means the coming week or where I’ll be applying for grad school. I like to dream and think and work out my dreams into reality. But with all these things I like to inflict upon myself, there comes a lot of worry. I begin to worry about how many applications I’ll have to submit, how much money I need to raise for a summer program, or how much time I’ll have tomorrow to go to the gym.

Let me paint you a picture: It’s the middle of November. I’m sitting in my dimly lit dorm room, drinking some loose leaf tea, browsing the Internet. I’m in some scintillating discussion with the one who lives with me, when Fall Retreat with Cru is brought up. I don’t think I’ll be able to go next year because of my schedule, but I remember that the bus never leaves on time, so I should be able to run from 808 Comm Ave to Marsh Chapel in approximately five minutes or less. But who do I give my bag to? Do I carry it with me and allow it to slow me down? Or can I give it to you, Jacqui—

It was this question that made me stop, as if my thought process had run smack into a brick wall. “What am I doing?” I asked. “I’m sitting here LITERALLY planning something which may or may not happen in a little less than a year from now.”

You could say that after realizing planning my mad dash to Marsh Chapel next year was foolish, I gave up. It’s too difficult to manipulate my life, my future, especially when I don’t even know what’s best for me or what God’s got in store. I gave up attempting to control my life. Since I raised the white flag on the floor of Claflin 10, He’s been showing me its okay to not know the answers. I don’t have to have a plan for grad school or even for the summer. He’s been showing me that it’s okay to trust Him, because no matter what happens, He won’t let me fail. I don’t have the answers to what He has in store, but I know I will once it’s time for me to know them. I’m content in the waiting, and living in the moment, watching Him work in the day-to-day, is more exciting to me than looking forward to what is to come. It’s certainly more exciting than trying to calculate the time I need for a grand, Bilbo Baggins-esque run down Comm Ave at rush hour (as brilliant a mental image that may be).

As exhausting as this semester was, I began to live in the moment, to live the life I want to live now with the people who I’m with. I would say the best decision of 2015 was going to New York City and pretending to be Buddy the Elf for two days during study period; that would be a lie. The best decision I made this year was to give up and let God. And I’m so glad I made it.